OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
