Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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