BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize