I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
