How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
