is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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