every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
