i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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