I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
