OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
