i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just sucked dick on a ferry
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
