Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
