i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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