I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
