i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
only if we run a train.
done.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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