3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
