She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
