so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
