if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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