gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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