Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
