According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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