I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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