Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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