Soap is not a condiment
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
