That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
