Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Two words: blizzard sex
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