He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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