I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize