I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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