I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
