Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
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