I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize