My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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