my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
