I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
