he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
