I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
