How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
