She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
