just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
