what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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