We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It's just like the Real World with babies
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize