Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
