i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
