After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
