U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
