i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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