dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
