im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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