Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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