Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize