Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
