dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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