I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
