if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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