I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The Olympian is in my bed
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize