FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
